Waking up and the inner voice is quiet, the night time covers comforting me as sleep falls away taking with it my defenses. Slowly my eyes open and the pain in my gut tells me another dawn is near.
The world out beyond my bed cares nothing of my desires, only of my responsibilities. I sink lower in my bed and let sleep over take me on yet another morning.
Finally sleep is no longer a refuge. It is my time to find another way to pass the day. Pass the day, pass the time. Keep the inner voice quiet. The TV is my drug to abuse. What is on that will take another hour from my life. The coward unable to deal with inner voices and unable to terminate them seeks the haven from the truth of despair. My body is on fire with needles that tell me I can sit no longer. The inner voice starts speaking. What am I doing it asks. I hear these whispers as I look for another addiction to quiet it's questions. Will it be food, cyberspace or the spasmodic calming of sex that will take my attention away from the world that paralyzes me.
The inner voice is my only companion. It is harsh and frightening for I know that it reminds me of that which I do not want to hear. The loneliness of the inner voice brings tears to my heart as it searches along my mind for the solutions to the paralysis that overtakes me. I am not alone for so many inner voices cry this morning, rising up against the paralysis that overtakes so many of my comrades during the frustrations of this lonely waking morning.
Do Not Cry
Do not cry my love for I am with you. This morning my thoughts turn to you, though the separation of so many burnt bridges lay between us. I cry with the sadness that overtakes me. I yearn for the satisfaction that eludes us.
Do not cry my love for I remember you. I remember the touch of your breast against my cheek. The softness of your hair between my fingers. The deepness of you eyes filled with desire and love.
Do not cry my love for I am not so very far away. Though the bridges are charred they too may be mended. I am here when you call.
Do not cry my love for my heart is eternal as is the fire it keeps for you.
When I am alone I turn on to the voices of word-smiths whose message carried on circular discs spinning with the world. I hear the voice of hope and despair, and I am heartened as I am not alone. I close my eyes and my heart is filled with the hearts of the magic brothers and sisters of feeling.
The music cries with the messages that I want to shout. The hope that burns in my heart is carried over the waves of tenderness and fury that touch my ears.
Three years latter, my heart cries with the loss of a rib. Three years latter and my eyes gaze regularly on the pictures of the past. Three years latter and my mind remembers the moments of time spent together in happiness.
Three years latter and you remain only in the past. The battles are fought and over, the contact is few and marked only with pain. What am I to do without you. There is no truth in healing broken love with a new love. Companionship does not replace the loss of a rib.
What do you do when your laying on the beach, and all of a sudden, you see, the tidal wave approach. No place to run, no place to hide, and a seventy five foot wall of water approaches. You know that what ever happens in the upcoming moments, that nothing will ever be the same.
The wave approaches, I am laying on the beach. The only difference is that I knew the wave would be approaching. I welcome the wave. The life that I lead must change for me to move on. The danger is that each year the waves get bigger. Each year I put myself in more and more jeopardy. Each year I wonder if I will survive.
Left after the layoff's, I sit waiting for the day to crawl by. No desire or push left in me. The passing of friends fill my mind. No interest, no motivation. I sit filling up space. Now cast in the role of under achiever. Not an easy trip from star to motivational problem. No ones fault but mine. Yet the energy is not there to change the situation. Time to run away. Time to find a new ball park to play in.
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This Page was last Updated on 01/29/2013